Parenting infants and young children

Relationships and attachment

Relationships are the most important factor for shaping your baby’s development and helping them to thrive now and in the future. Consistent, responsive, nurturing care helps your child to develop a unique emotional relationship with you, their primary carer, where they feel safe, secure and confident to explore the world around them.

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Before birth

Relationships begin even before your baby is born. Your baby is already getting to know you and recognise the sound of your voice in the womb. This can help your baby after they are born as the sound of your voice will be familiar and can be soothing if they are distressed. During pregnancy bonding with your baby through touch, talking and singing can encourage the ‘love hormone’ – oxytocin to be produced, which can help to reduce stress and anxiety for you and is important for your baby’s brain development.

Sometimes it can be difficult to think of your unborn baby as a ‘real’ person, and you may not feel that you are bonding with your unborn baby as much as you would like to. Try not to worry about this because bonding can take time, but you might like to try some of these things to connect more:

• Wonder aloud what your baby might look like, and who they will take after
• Look at a scan picture with someone and talk about what you notice
• Gently massage your baby bump and respond to their movements
• Wonder about your baby’s world and how life feels for them right now
• Take time to consider what sort of parent you want to be

This early curiosity helps you to visualise your unborn baby and hold them in mind.

After birth and beyond

Babies are amazing as they are born ready to relate to you and form relationships! From the moment they arrive they are looking for connection with the people who care for them by turning towards your voice, looking at your face and calming when you hold and comfort them.

Not all parents feel connected to their baby straight away. Having a baby is a time of huge transition and sometimes building the relationship with your baby can feel difficult, as you may be feeling exhausted, anxious, or overwhelmed with new responsibilities.

Some signs that you are finding it difficult to connect with your baby might include:

• Feeling emotionally distant with your baby
• Finding it hard to enjoy time with your baby
• Avoiding interaction with your baby
• Feeling guilty because you don’t feel as expected towards your baby

It’s important to take care of yourself and not feel that you must strive to be perfect – your baby needs ‘good enough parenting’, by noticing your baby’s needs, responding with warmth and care and repairing moments of disconnection when they occur.  Spending time getting to know your baby can gradually help the bond to grow.

Find small moments when you feel able to connect with your baby and get to know each other through:

• Mutual gazing by looking into each other’s eyes
• Make facial expressions, such as poking out your tongue, and wait to see if your baby copies you
• Mirror your facial expressions and tone of voice to match the emotions your baby is experiencing
• Skin to skin contact to connect through touch and smell, and release love hormones
• Watch and wonder about your baby’s world to understand their likes and dislikes
• Copy the coos and noises your baby makes to create fun back-and-forth conversations
• Recognise when your baby is ready to play and interact

Creating a secure infant attachment

Attachment is the special emotional bond that develops between a baby and their parent/caregiver, which begins at birth and continues through life. However, it’s the first two years of life that are the most important for attachment development.

This emotional connection happens naturally through everyday interactions such as feeding, cuddling, talking, playing and soothing. When you respond to your baby’s needs with warmth, comfort and consistency your baby learns that they are safe, loved and can trust others. This secure attachment helps babies to manage their feelings and be curious about the world around them, using their caregiver as a ‘secure base’ from which to explore and return to for comfort and reassurance. As your child develops a sense of safety and security this provides the foundations for later emotional well-being, relationships, learning and resilience.

Attachment difficulties can develop when a child finds it hard to feel consistently safe, understood and comforted in their relationship with caregivers. These difficulties can arise for many reasons, including parental stress, mental health challenges, family difficulties, separation, loss, trauma or when a child’s emotional needs have been difficult to meet.

Children with attachment difficulties may:

• Seem unusually clingy or anxious or unusually independent
• Have difficulty being soothed when upset
• Have frequent emotional outbursts
• Struggle with confidence and self-esteem
• Experience challenges in forming and maintaining friendships

Attachment difficulties are not about blame and most importantly attachment is not fixed. Although the early years are particularly important because the brain is developing so rapidly, attachment does not stop developing after infancy. Children continue to build and strengthen attachment relationships throughout childhood. Supportive, nurturing relationships can help build security and resilience at any age.

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